I’m not editing this, so I apologize if it’s long and rambly and messy. It needs to be. I’ve been measured and silent and obedient for so, so, so long, but if I’m going to write about denied humanity it needs to be like this. You need to see unsanitized, reckless honesty just as much as I need to write it. Targets of mob abuse take a risk every time we’re brutally honest in public, so we usually don’t, but I’m too frustrated to give you PR and I’m working against the clock. If I’m gonna get hurt for an update in my court case, it’s about fucking time it happens on my terms instead of his.
I just hung up from what I hope will be my last phone call with the District Attorney assigned to my case, and I choked back tears as she told me that I’d conducted myself with grace through this whole nightmare. I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m writing this and examining it as I go through the fog of someone with PTSD. I don’t know if the tears are out of frustration of having sunk a year and a half into this awful system for seemingly less than nothing, or if it’s out of relief.
My ex, who we’ll call Creep Throat because seeing his name makes a knot of anxiety rise in my throat, will be notified soon that the charges were dropped, but not why. I’m sure he’ll launch another salvo of flat out lies and spun truths to make it seem like the last year and a half was a byproduct of me “asking for it”, that the courts saw through it, while making him seem like a downtrodden hero of free speech. He managed to do that with previous court dates, leaving out things like a judge flat out stating that she believed he had physically assaulted me during the last time we had sex, and that he’d gone through my friends social media feeds of the day afterward to prove that I wasn’t “acting like a victim” by spending time with friends.
So, instead of just watching this happen for the who-knows-how-manyth time, I’m going to talk about it. It’s not really about me as much as it is an attempt to dispel some common bullshit assumptions the average person has about the justice system, and what it means to “press charges”.
One of the biggest myths that needs to die is that your first response to being abused should be to go to the police and seek justice. Leaving aside the fact that the police flat out murder unarmed citizens for their race all the time, and that sex workers are likely to be incarcerated when reporting crime done to them, and a myriad of other things I can’t get into, I have a certain amount of privilege and a well-documented case. I have one of the most public abuse cases out there, it started a hate movement that’s swept up my industry and hurt dozens of bystanders, and got international media attention. A lot of people don’t think of it in terms of domestic violence, they forget where the flashpoint of GamerGate came from - you might not even know the man responsible’s name. To make matters worse, I was unable to speak up during that time period out of fear of reprisal from the judicial system (more on that later) and watched as he was washed out of history (along with a lot of other people targeted). I was on my own on this front, until the Boston Magazine article was posted by a journalist who had been following everything and speaking with my ex. Shortly after, I got a call from the DA telling me that I shouldn’t have been told to simply go offline, and that she knew we had a very strong case worth prosecuting.
So why am I dissolving it then?
Ironically, getting a restraining order against Creep Throat was the least effective thing I could do in terms of getting him out of my life for good, and for protecting myself. I’ll discuss the hot mess of problems around that experience at a later time. Without getting into a long, complicated blow by blow, every time something happened or the case was updated, he’d run back to the mob and make promises and jokes and pleas for more money. The mob would respond by going after me, my family, and anyone else they decided was involved. The mythology surrounding me would expand, conspiracy charts would “prove” I am secretly rich and really deserved it all along, and inspire more threats, stalking, and abuse. The cycle repeated itself endlessly. People kept getting hurt for being close to me, for a poorly worded restraining order that did nothing.
This cycle was so vicious that I even vacated the order myself once he appealed, hoping to make it end. I gave him the legal relief that he’d asked for. It might sound weak but I’m not made of stone, I’m a scared person trying to escape her abuser in spite of the fact that he’s created a self-perpetuating faction within my own industry to continue to punish me for walking away. It wasn’t about him fighting a powerful evil woman, or gaining his oh-so-crucial right to sic a mob on me, it’s always been about punishing me. It was about using it as a way to hurt me further, so when I gave him what he ostensibly wanted he actually *showed up to object to my motion to vacate the order and hand him a win*. The court dismissed him, and the order has been dead for months, and yet he’s back on Kotaku In Action chumming the waters about the oral arguments they’re hearing on a nonexistent order next month.
He gets paid, he gets attention (he even brought a date to court once), and the cycle continues. All the while, shit gets worse and worse for me and my family. The simple fact of the matter is the criminal justice system is meant to punish, not protect. I don’t care about seeing him punished - I would rather he get better. And they’ve done nothing to protect me - it’s only made things worse and become another weapon in his arsenal, and the arsenal of the people out there way scarier than him.
This is the last email I sent to my DA.
It was a reddit thread that showed up in my Google Alerts for my name, that I had set up to help grow my indie dev business before all this started like so many people in my industry. The title was “if eron goes to jail, I will hunt zoe quinn down and rape her”. Alerts and direct contact like this, specifically discussing the court case, was only escalating and becoming more common. I’m used to things like this at this point, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t effect me. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t effect anyone close to me who becomes collateral damage in this sick crusade my ex started against me. The continual escalation only ever increases the chances that someone will make good on something like this. Trying to get the law to protect me has only continually put me in harm’s way.
Why, then, would I ever want to sign up for more years of my life spent flying back to Boston, a place where it’s not safe for me to be, to continue another chapter in this nightmare? Why would I want to keep digging at a giant scar?
“Establish legal precedent!” you might think. I did too. Then Elonis v United States offered little hope that a court wouldn’t skirt the issues of how domestic violence manifests online. Then Steph Guthrie and her co-defendant lost their case, the transcripts showing equal parts “she was asking for it” and “how did this get in there i am not good at computers”. Going to court is like rolling the dice, the precedent you established isn’t up to you, and I didn’t want to risk becoming a tool in the next Creep Throat’s arsenal if we lost. I have have worked with enough lawmakers, law enforcement officers, lawyers, and judges at this point through our work with Crash Override to know that education is sorely lagging behind on these issues, not to mention the cultural biases that come with any cases like that.
When you seek charges, you’re on trial as much as the other person, if not more. The “asking for it” defense is alive and well even in 2016, and you have to be a “good victim” in order to give your case the best shot it has. “Good victim”, when it comes to women in domestic or gendered violence cases like mine, tends to mean a lot of loaded, even conflicting things. The courts do not favor a lot of women simply for being who they are - women of color, trans women, sex workers, I could go on. Even beyond that, you have to be well behaved and silent about the proceedings, or risk pissing off the judge and giving the defense attorneys ammo to work with. Even my Cracked article was waved around in court by my ex’s lawyers, citing it as “the most disgusting thing that happened during GamerGate” despite my almost one foot stack of threats and photos of me that people had printed out, jizzed on, and sent to my family. The defense, so far, had hung a hat on trying to prove I deserved all of this.
I have been open about my depression and my history in sex work. I have not gone out of the public eye during all of the abuse, and I don’t regret that. I believe in standing up for sex workers and people living with mental health concerns and anyone else I can, and I don’t know what would have happened if I had kept my mouth shut when I was targeted two years ago. But this comes with a cost - everything I have said and done will be held against me and spun by my abuser. The cost of being who I am in defiance of the abuse was sacrificing being a good victim.
The spin is even more successful in these cases, because of how disconnected judges, lawyers, police, and juries often are from the internet. One told me to simply give up my career and stop going offline if I didn’t like the abuse. He barely bothered to look at my huge stack of evidence before declaring he had no idea what the internet was about and didn’t want to know.
All the while, it’s hard to explain the indignity of having to sit through this and try to be a “good victim”. To sit in the same room as the man who did this to you and so many others and not appear too emotional or shaken, because the last time you said “uh” too much it became “proof” that you were lying instead of reliving trauma on command. To hide your anger and your outrage and your hurt so you don’t look like you’re seeking revenge, but to also not hold back TOO much because then you look robotic and unaffected like you haven’t been in fear of this man or in fear for your life for almost two years. To have to sit silently while everyone messes up basic facts of the case because they can’t tell the difference between usernames. To leave little bloody half moons in the palms of your hands from squeezing your fists tightly to try to look like you aren’t shaking from being in the same room with him.
What good does any of this do for anyone? It’s been almost two years now, and I desperately want to move on with my life. Even if I did win, I doubt locking Creep Throat away would do anything. Even putting aside my huge misgivings with the US prison system, he’s not going to change. The people who support him would see him as a martyr. I’d probably be looking at years of appeals and court dates and apologizing to my family for MRAs screaming at them in the middle of the night.
I’m tired. I have been trying to pick up the pieces of my life for almost two years at this point, and I’ve done a lot of healing, a lot of building what I feel like are more workable pushes to improve the lives of people being abused online, and a lot of self-improvement. I’m getting to a place where I’m kind of ok even while the abuse hasn’t slowed down. But every time I have to touch this festering part of my life, it drains the energy out of me. I have less energy to do casework at Crash, less energy to meet with tech partners to tell them how to do better and the ways they’re fucking up, less energy to make my goofy video games about feelings and farts, less energy for my friends and family and loved ones that have been helplessly watching me torn apart by this man for years.
In my opinion, it’s not time yet. I’m not the right person to win this fight or set this precedent. It’s too early, and I’m a messy complicated artist who has a hard time keeping her mouth shut while she watches other people hurt. I’m not the platonic ideal of a good victim because I’ve had a long past. I don’t even have any faith in the system to not totally fuck it up every step of the way even when it’s working as intended. The simple fact of the matter is that I’m less useful to the world as someone who fought this case, win or lose, than someone who can throw all hope of winning away to be honest with you, to educate you, to try and call for reform so I can set the next girl up for a spike instead of falling on my face. That’s even assuming the process doesn’t kill me - I’m still someone who was already living with depression, that now has complex PTSD on top of it.
I’m scared of posting this, but I’m tired of hiding and keeping my head down and plodding along. I know it’ll kick some shit up, everything does, but I also know he’s going to try to twist this stuff like he always has. I’m tired of letting him control me. I’m tired of being afraid of being honest. I’m tired of watching people hand out “just go to the police they’ll protect you” while I silently scream and bite my tongue, because I know the advice-giver is giving horrible, ignorant advice. It’s so much more complicated than that, and if someone decides to go to the cops about their abuser they should be doing it with a more informed and prepared plan than I ever did. They shouldn’t have to have their lives hijacked for years to find out that that’s what they were even risking in the first place. I wish I had those two years back. The least I can do to make that right is to be honest and open with the world while trying to reduce the cost of maneuvering through these systems. The least I can do is try to succeed at getting my life back where the courts have utterly failed.
I won’t ever get my life back, but that doesn’t mean I can’t live in the meantime. Hopefully the next girl won’t have years stolen from her in the first place.
And again, sorry if I’ve put my foot in my mouth through any of this unedited brain dump. It’s been a really, really long 2 years and I am more than a little tired.
Jeremy and Takashi Karate are the toughest guys in the city, but are they tough enough to rescue their mutual girlfriend, Marilyn?
I’m co-starring in this, and it’s gonna be really fuckin’ cool. We need some help. Can you throw us a couple bucks to help cover some of the costs? It’s tough makin’ films on shitty customer service wages these days.
I've just had the misfortune of reading something I wrote a few years ago. Do you ever feel or have you ever felt like cringing reading your own writing from the past?
first of all I bathe in the water of self-loathing all the time so I have to get past that just to sit down and write.
I’m always looking forward but sometimes you see some of your work online or have to look at it for refresher research or something like that and it’s not even like it is so terrible that you want to vomit, it’s just that I’m not the same person I was, let’s say, 10 years ago mentally (or physically) so reading something by that person can be surreal.
and then there’s just the stuff that you would never do now because you’re just better. but you wouldn’t be the writer you are now if not for that stuff, says the rational part of my brain.
and for someone who’s published sometimes that stuff you don’t care for anymore is the stuff that people like the most from you. adding to the surreal.
So, I was shown this awful list, written by some shitty dude on some website about Wall Street or something. Its main goal seems to be to give women a list of ultimatums, and constantly remind them that they are expendable and that they should be thankful for the awful shitheads they’re with.
I’ve been in possession of a penis and male privilege for over 29 years. I’ve been in my share of relationships, with varying levels of seriousness. I’ve been the bad guy before. So, when I say the following, I know what I’m talking about:
All of these items are red flags. They aren’t some guideline to being a better girlfriend or whatever. They’re fucking red flags. If someone demands even one of these things? I mean, do what you want, but I’d suggest getting the fuck away from them.
The original listicle included descriptions to each item, which I’ve removed. In their place are my thoughts on each and every disgusting item on the list.
1. You Gotta Stay Away From His Internet Search History
Bullshit. If you are dating someone whose search history would make you vomit, you’re probably not dating someone who’s right for you. Either way, though the description of this item claimed to be for the benefit of women’s “delicate sensibilities” or whatever, it’s really just another case of “give yo man his space, bitch!” I dunno. Maybe you like being in relationships full of secrets and shame and weirdness. If that’s your thing, fine. Just know it’s kind of abusive.
2. You Can’t Change Him
Bullshit!!! First of all, you totally can. Secondly, it’s ridiculous that in 2014, guys still think there’s some kind of female conspiracy to take away all the traits they (for some reason) hold dear. Fuck this.
3. You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When He Checks Out Other Women
Yea, and the unspoken part of this item is “but I swear to fuck, if you ever so much as look at Hugh Jackman without a shirt on….” Fuck this, too.
4. He Will Choose His Friends Over You
The description of this item basically said “he likes your regular sexing, but he’ll always choose his bros over you.” First of all, no, he won’t. I’ve known lots of dudes for a long time, and whenever they get into relationships, they fucking disappear. Know why? Because they’ve found someone they feel is a mate; an actual partner. I say this with all certainty: If someone you’re dating is ditching you for their friends regularly, they are using you for sex. That’s gross.
5. Never Criticize His Mother
This is also bullshit. Parents of significant others sometimes play a role in serious relationships. Sometimes they meddle. Sometimes they are dicks. Sometimes they need to be criticized. Criticize if you feel you need to. Who cares?
6. You Have To Let Shit Go
This is supreme bullshit. If you have a problem that hasn’t been resolved, it’s still a problem. It haunts people. Figure it out. Don’t worry about bothering your partner. If they’re annoyed that you can’t just “let it go,” they are the problem that needs to be resolved/kicked out/left/told to fuck off.
7. Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Know The Answers To
Just because some dude can go “hey, you don’t wanna know what I’ve done” doesn’t make it true. This item comes from some kind of assumption that women actually do go around just asking questions they don’t want answers to ALL THE TIME. They don’t. It also suggests that a man’s past is somehow this epic tome of depravity that could tear down nations if ever read aloud. It ain’t.
8. You Can’t Bombard Him The Second He Walks In The Door
No. Please do. Any partner worth a fuck is eager to know what’s troubling you. If you get home and some dude basically tells you “not now, grab me a beer,” just leave.
9. Withholding Sex Is A Dangerous Game
OH LOOK!!! THREATS!!!! Seriously, list? You’re “warning” that not fuckin’ yo man is dangerous? Fuck you, you rapist piece of shit.
10. He’s Jealous Of All Your Straight Guy Friends
Not in a relationship founded on trust, he isn’t.
11. He Wants To Try Anal
Oh, yes. By all means! It’s his birthday! Why not let him potentially injure you? The description of this item mentioned that probably none of this hypothetical boyfriend’s exes let him stuff it in their butts. So that’s TOTALLY safe, right? Sure. Sure. Listen. Anal is fun if you like to put stuff in your butt, and if both parties know what they’re doing. It can also be super dangerous, and you can risk injury and infection if you do it wrong. If you aren’t into it, it’s your body, and he has no right. Not even if there’s a ring on it. (Your finger, not your butt. That ALWAYS has a ring on it.)
12. He Wants To Bang Your Friends
This is vile. I can only speak for monogamous relationships, because that’s what I do in my life, but….ugh. Ugh, no.
13. You Should Learn To Play Pool
The description states that “there’s nothing hotter than a chick who can beat you in pool.” Apparently? Where the fuck did this come from, and why is it in between two items directly related to sex? I mean….I like pool. Pool is fun. If you wanna play pool, learn because you wanna play pool. Why the fuck is this even here? To fill numbers?
14. He Wants You To Seduce Him
Ugh. The description claims “he probably likes sex more than you do.” Please, let’s keep up these ancient, outdated, debunked, total bullshit ideas about women. “You want him to be happy, right?” Hey, cool. Emotional abuse. That’s healthy. Look. This is obvious. Everyone wants their partner to come onto them sometimes. Why in the fuck does this asshole think women don’t know that? Maybe your girlfriend doesn’t care. They’re more than likely disgusted by you, but they’re afraid to leave because you’re abusive and they’re afraid of you. That sounds about right.
15. He Notices When You Don’t Wear The Jewelry He Bought You
Hey, dickheads. Maybe if you listened more, you’d stop getting ugly fucking jewelry. The description did have a point though, for a change. If you don’t like something, say so! It’s true, honesty is actually cool. But still, fuck this.
16. He Wants You To Need Him
STALKER ALERT!!!!!!!
17. You’ve Got To Watch Your Weight
Shut the fuck up, you asshole.
18. If You’ve Been Living Together For Longer Than Three Years, He’s Not Going To Marry You
Bullshit. For one thing, I’ve seen this happen a bunch of times. Secondly, who the fuck said anything about marriage? Get over yourself.
19. Ultimatums Do NOT Work
And yet, what are all these?
20. He Wants Kids
Bullshit. People who talk about “leaving a legacy” are awful. People who continue to kid themselves about what they want out of life for their entire twenties are not great people to be around. Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone when to stop taking their birth control, you pricks. If you were in a healthy, honest relationship, this would all have been discussed before, and planned together. A thing that bothers me is most of the stuff on this list smells like casual dating at best, and then right in the middle, there’s talk of intentionally creating children? That’s more than a little confusing.
21. He Knows When You’re Lying To Him
This is listed as if it’s a rule. It’s not. It’s bullshit. Men aren’t lie detectors. Women aren’t lie detectors. Some individual people are really good at knowing a lie when they hear it. This is stupid. This was placed here to inspire some kind of fear.
22. He Wants You To Like What He Likes
So…”you’ll never change him” but “hey, you better completely alter your interests”? Starting to see the patterns here, dudes.
23. He Thought You Looked Good In That First Outfit
Who said anything about what he thinks about your clothes? They’re your clothes. Fuck off, we’ll leave when I’m ready.
24. He Has No Interest In Shoes
“What is it with women and shoes?” Shut the fuck up, Seinfeld.
25. You Should Always Take His Side
Hey look, more abuse! “DON’T YOU DARE CONTRADICT ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS, BITCH!!!” If you don’t agree with someone….why would you pretend you do?
26. He Wants You To Expose Him To New Things
This isn’t specific to mans, and is basically an automatic circumstance of hanging around a new person. But aren’t we having kids now? Your partner isn’t some endless library of “new things.” The kind of person who never stops asking for some kind of new experience sounds obnoxious and terrible, and likely to just run away when it gets “boring,” because this list needs to assert that men are terrible and you MUST HAVE ONE. Maybe I’m reading too much into this. This is probably just another way of repeating “he wants anal.”
27. You Need To Tell Him Exactly What You Want
Doesn’t everybody? This is common sense. Shut up.
28. He Hates That Short Haircut
This is fucking sexist bullshit. If he hates your short haircut, he’s probably a homophobe. It’s your hair. YOUR hair. Fuck this.
29. He Wants You By His Side
This is creepy as hell.
30. You Should Never Flirt With His Friend
Why would anyone flirt while in a serious relationship? This is stupid. That’s hurtful. Why are we hurting people we claim to love and respect?
31. He Wants You To Be His Muse
The description states “Behind every great man is a great woman.” Hey look, a cliche! Didn’t expect THAT in this giant shitpuddle of cliches. You have no responsibility to do this. It’s not a bad thing to be someone’s muse, but it’s stupid to have it expected of you.
32. Whatever It Is You Want In Bed, He WILL Do It
Will he? This is assuming an awful lot. That’s stupid.
33. He Needs To Lean On You Sometimes
Hey look, it’s domestic partnership 101!!! No shit, idiot. Assuming women don’t realize this is a fucking slap in the face.
34. Save The Big Piece Of Chicken For Him
Shut up. What does this even mean? The description said “he works hard!” Annnnnd the lady doesn’t? Shut up and go back to 1953.
35. Don’t EVER Emasculate Him
If you’re with someone who can’t get over a joke about his dick size or how he held a shopping bag one time, you’re dating an insecure little dipshit. Tell him to grow up.
36. He Doesn’t Want To Hear About Your Sexual Past
Maybe he does. Stop with these blanket assumptions. This claimed EVERY woman needs to realize this shit. This is untrue, and it’s unhealthy.
37. He Wants To Be The Best Lover You’ve Ever Had
The description encourages lying to a dude about his sexual prowess. Yea, sure. Be unfulfilled forever while he pretends he’s a fuck god. Why not? It’s only, you know…your life. This also contradicts an earlier item about telling him exactly what you want. So what I’m taking from this is that, according to this asshole, “what women want is, you know, important I guess, as long as it’s not a hassle, and doesn’t take away from my cock’s ego.” Fuck this so much.
38. If He Cheats On You Once, He’ll Do It Again
Not always true. This is offensive to men and women alike. But, infidelity is a problem for some relationships, and it needs to be discussed. If the relationship is still valuable, stand up for yourself and see if it can be worked out. But be careful, because if this list’s offensive assumptions are right about the asshole you’re dating, he’ll probably be really mad that you stood up for yourself.
39. You Should Let Him Open Doors For You
The description states that “it’s great that you’re all liberated and shit, but being a gentleman never goes out of style.” Shut the fuck up. It’s good manners to open the door for people if you get to it first. Otherwise, it’s not a fucking monolith. Ladies can handle it. Don’t be so fucking condescending. It’s not stylish.
40. You Need To Be His Moral Compass
What the fuck? If you are seeing someone without his own moral compass, you are potentially in a lot of danger.
41. You Should Let Him Win Sometimes
Earlier this thing was talking about how hot it is when “chicks” beat dudes at pool. Now it’s all “let the Wookiee win.” Make up your fucking mind, list.
42. If You Make Him Watch A Chick Flick, At Least Give Him A Blowjob Afterwards
NO. First of all, this “chick flick” nonsense is so outdated it hurts to even look at. Secondly, NO. What in the fuck no no no no no.
43. Speaking Of Threesomes… He Will NEVER Stop Trying
Were we? Speaking of threesomes? When? This is gross. Stop saying this about men. This is fucking gross. Nothing wrong with threesomes, but this statement is so wildly false and stupid that I can’t even fucking express it properly.
44. He Needs Quiet Sometimes
“WIMMEN BE TALKIN’!!!!!” Ugh. Shut up. Why are people dating people who annoy them? Both parties in this “i need my quiet” situation owe it to themselves to re-evaluate everything.
45. You Should Compliment Him More
You have no responsibility to stroke anyone’s ego. If you have something nice to say, by all means say it…but you aren’t in charge of maintaining this idiot’s self worth.
46. You Don’t Always Have To Be Right
You do if you’re always right!!! Listen, there are objective answers to things on this planet. Whoever is right about something…..get this…IS RIGHT!!! So fuck you.
47. Make Sure You Look Just As Good When You Go Out With Him As When You Go Out With The Girls
I’m not even going to respond to this. We have already been through it.
48. He’s Not Your Dad
Ummmm….yea…..are there people who don’t know this? Also what about the bible belt? He might be!!! (That last part was just a joke. No offense intended, but sorry anyway.)
49. You’re Not His Mother
Actually, this one’s true. I have no complaints about this, really, other than people who treat their partners like this deserve to be alone.
50. He’s Not As Complicated As You Are
And this isn’t complicated, either! That shit is untrue, outdated, stupid, and sexist.
ALRIGHT!!! I got through them all without getting too angry. Yay. I want to apologize for the hetero-normative, monogamy-centric themes in this post. I understand that relationships come in all shapes, sizes, lifestyles, etc. I did my best to remain gender neutral whenever possible, but, you know. I’m also not trying to tell anyone what to do in their relationships, and I realize that most people who read this already know how full of shit all of these are…. But I kind of couldn’t resist.
There’s a hashtag that’s making the rounds, making a strong impression. #YesAllWomen.
I don’t want to try to make myself a part of that, because it belongs to women, who use it to shed some light on things that every woman must endure, or push past.
