Anonymous said: I've just had the misfortune of reading something I wrote a few years ago. Do you ever feel or have you ever felt like cringing reading your own writing from the past?
it’s a very complicated emotion.
first of all I bathe in the water of self-loathing all the time so I have to get past that just to sit down and write.
I’m always looking forward but sometimes you see some of your work online or have to look at it for refresher research or something like that and it’s not even like it is so terrible that you want to vomit, it’s just that I’m not the same person I was, let’s say, 10 years ago mentally (or physically) so reading something by that person can be surreal.
and then there’s just the stuff that you would never do now because you’re just better. but you wouldn’t be the writer you are now if not for that stuff, says the rational part of my brain.
and for someone who’s published sometimes that stuff you don’t care for anymore is the stuff that people like the most from you. adding to the surreal.
My responses to some listicle called “50 things all women should realize about their mans” or whatever the fuck it was called. I don’t remember. Who cares?
So, I was shown this awful list, written by some shitty dude on some website about Wall Street or something. Its main goal seems to be to give women a list of ultimatums, and constantly remind them that they are expendable and that they should be thankful for the awful shitheads they’re with.
I’ve been in possession of a penis and male privilege for over 29 years.
I’ve been in my share of relationships, with varying levels of seriousness.
I’ve been the bad guy before.
So, when I say the following, I know what I’m talking about:
All of these items are red flags. They aren’t some guideline to being a better girlfriend or whatever. They’re fucking red flags.
If someone demands even one of these things? I mean, do what you want, but I’d suggest getting the fuck away from them.
The original listicle included descriptions to each item, which I’ve removed. In their place are my thoughts on each and every disgusting item on the list.
1. You Gotta Stay Away From His Internet Search History
Bullshit. If you are dating someone whose search history would make you vomit, you’re probably not dating someone who’s right for you. Either way, though the description of this item claimed to be for the benefit of women’s “delicate sensibilities” or whatever, it’s really just another case of “give yo man his space, bitch!”
I dunno. Maybe you like being in relationships full of secrets and shame and weirdness. If that’s your thing, fine. Just know it’s kind of abusive.
2. You Can’t Change Him
Bullshit!!! First of all, you totally can. Secondly, it’s ridiculous that in 2014, guys still think there’s some kind of female conspiracy to take away all the traits they (for some reason) hold dear. Fuck this.
3. You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When He Checks Out Other Women
Yea, and the unspoken part of this item is “but I swear to fuck, if you ever so much as look at Hugh Jackman without a shirt on….” Fuck this, too.
4. He Will Choose His Friends Over You
The description of this item basically said “he likes your regular sexing, but he’ll always choose his bros over you.”
First of all, no, he won’t. I’ve known lots of dudes for a long time, and whenever they get into relationships, they fucking disappear. Know why? Because they’ve found someone they feel is a mate; an actual partner.
I say this with all certainty: If someone you’re dating is ditching you for their friends regularly, they are using you for sex. That’s gross.
5. Never Criticize His Mother
This is also bullshit. Parents of significant others sometimes play a role in serious relationships. Sometimes they meddle. Sometimes they are dicks. Sometimes they need to be criticized. Criticize if you feel you need to. Who cares?
6. You Have To Let Shit Go
This is supreme bullshit. If you have a problem that hasn’t been resolved, it’s still a problem. It haunts people. Figure it out. Don’t worry about bothering your partner. If they’re annoyed that you can’t just “let it go,” they are the problem that needs to be resolved/kicked out/left/told to fuck off.
7. Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Know The Answers To
Just because some dude can go “hey, you don’t wanna know what I’ve done” doesn’t make it true. This item comes from some kind of assumption that women actually do go around just asking questions they don’t want answers to ALL THE TIME. They don’t.
It also suggests that a man’s past is somehow this epic tome of depravity that could tear down nations if ever read aloud. It ain’t.
8. You Can’t Bombard Him The Second He Walks In The Door
No. Please do. Any partner worth a fuck is eager to know what’s troubling you. If you get home and some dude basically tells you “not now, grab me a beer,” just leave.
9. Withholding Sex Is A Dangerous Game
OH LOOK!!! THREATS!!!! Seriously, list? You’re “warning” that not fuckin’ yo man is dangerous? Fuck you, you rapist piece of shit.
10. He’s Jealous Of All Your Straight Guy Friends
Not in a relationship founded on trust, he isn’t.
11. He Wants To Try Anal
Oh, yes. By all means! It’s his birthday! Why not let him potentially injure you?
The description of this item mentioned that probably none of this hypothetical boyfriend’s exes let him stuff it in their butts. So that’s TOTALLY safe, right? Sure. Sure.
Listen. Anal is fun if you like to put stuff in your butt, and if both parties know what they’re doing. It can also be super dangerous, and you can risk injury and infection if you do it wrong.
If you aren’t into it, it’s your body, and he has no right. Not even if there’s a ring on it.
(Your finger, not your butt. That ALWAYS has a ring on it.)
12. He Wants To Bang Your Friends
This is vile.
I can only speak for monogamous relationships, because that’s what I do in my life, but….ugh. Ugh, no.
13. You Should Learn To Play Pool
The description states that “there’s nothing hotter than a chick who can beat you in pool.”
Apparently? Where the fuck did this come from, and why is it in between two items directly related to sex?
I mean….I like pool. Pool is fun. If you wanna play pool, learn because you wanna play pool. Why the fuck is this even here? To fill numbers?
14. He Wants You To Seduce Him
Ugh. The description claims “he probably likes sex more than you do.” Please, let’s keep up these ancient, outdated, debunked, total bullshit ideas about women.
"You want him to be happy, right?" Hey, cool. Emotional abuse. That’s healthy.
Look. This is obvious. Everyone wants their partner to come onto them sometimes. Why in the fuck does this asshole think women don’t know that?
Maybe your girlfriend doesn’t care. They’re more than likely disgusted by you, but they’re afraid to leave because you’re abusive and they’re afraid of you. That sounds about right.
15. He Notices When You Don’t Wear The Jewelry He Bought You
Hey, dickheads. Maybe if you listened more, you’d stop getting ugly fucking jewelry.
The description did have a point though, for a change. If you don’t like something, say so! It’s true, honesty is actually cool. But still, fuck this.
16. He Wants You To Need Him
17. You’ve Got To Watch Your Weight
Shut the fuck up, you asshole.
18. If You’ve Been Living Together For Longer Than Three Years, He’s Not Going To Marry You
Bullshit. For one thing, I’ve seen this happen a bunch of times. Secondly, who the fuck said anything about marriage? Get over yourself.
19. Ultimatums Do NOT Work
And yet, what are all these?
20. He Wants Kids
Bullshit. People who talk about “leaving a legacy” are awful. People who continue to kid themselves about what they want out of life for their entire twenties are not great people to be around.
Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone when to stop taking their birth control, you pricks. If you were in a healthy, honest relationship, this would all have been discussed before, and planned together.
A thing that bothers me is most of the stuff on this list smells like casual dating at best, and then right in the middle, there’s talk of intentionally creating children? That’s more than a little confusing.
21. He Knows When You’re Lying To Him
This is listed as if it’s a rule. It’s not. It’s bullshit.
Men aren’t lie detectors. Women aren’t lie detectors. Some individual people are really good at knowing a lie when they hear it. This is stupid. This was placed here to inspire some kind of fear.
22. He Wants You To Like What He Likes
So…”you’ll never change him” but “hey, you better completely alter your interests”? Starting to see the patterns here, dudes.
23. He Thought You Looked Good In That First Outfit
Who said anything about what he thinks about your clothes? They’re your clothes. Fuck off, we’ll leave when I’m ready.
24. He Has No Interest In Shoes
"What is it with women and shoes?" Shut the fuck up, Seinfeld.
25. You Should Always Take His Side
Hey look, more abuse! “DON’T YOU DARE CONTRADICT ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS, BITCH!!!”
If you don’t agree with someone….why would you pretend you do?
26. He Wants You To Expose Him To New Things
This isn’t specific to mans, and is basically an automatic circumstance of hanging around a new person. But aren’t we having kids now? Your partner isn’t some endless library of “new things.” The kind of person who never stops asking for some kind of new experience sounds obnoxious and terrible, and likely to just run away when it gets “boring,” because this list needs to assert that men are terrible and you MUST HAVE ONE.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this. This is probably just another way of repeating “he wants anal.”
27. You Need To Tell Him Exactly What You Want
Doesn’t everybody? This is common sense. Shut up.
28. He Hates That Short Haircut
This is fucking sexist bullshit. If he hates your short haircut, he’s probably a homophobe. It’s your hair. YOUR hair. Fuck this.
29. He Wants You By His Side
This is creepy as hell.
30. You Should Never Flirt With His Friend
Why would anyone flirt while in a serious relationship? This is stupid. That’s hurtful. Why are we hurting people we claim to love and respect?
31. He Wants You To Be His Muse
The description states “Behind every great man is a great woman.” Hey look, a cliche! Didn’t expect THAT in this giant shitpuddle of cliches.
You have no responsibility to do this. It’s not a bad thing to be someone’s muse, but it’s stupid to have it expected of you.
32. Whatever It Is You Want In Bed, He WILL Do It
Will he? This is assuming an awful lot. That’s stupid.
33. He Needs To Lean On You Sometimes
Hey look, it’s domestic partnership 101!!! No shit, idiot. Assuming women don’t realize this is a fucking slap in the face.
34. Save The Big Piece Of Chicken For Him
Shut up. What does this even mean? The description said “he works hard!” Annnnnd the lady doesn’t? Shut up and go back to 1953.
35. Don’t EVER Emasculate Him
If you’re with someone who can’t get over a joke about his dick size or how he held a shopping bag one time, you’re dating an insecure little dipshit. Tell him to grow up.
36. He Doesn’t Want To Hear About Your Sexual Past
Maybe he does. Stop with these blanket assumptions.
This claimed EVERY woman needs to realize this shit. This is untrue, and it’s unhealthy.
37. He Wants To Be The Best Lover You’ve Ever Had
The description encourages lying to a dude about his sexual prowess. Yea, sure. Be unfulfilled forever while he pretends he’s a fuck god. Why not? It’s only, you know…your life.
This also contradicts an earlier item about telling him exactly what you want. So what I’m taking from this is that, according to this asshole, “what women want is, you know, important I guess, as long as it’s not a hassle, and doesn’t take away from my cock’s ego.” Fuck this so much.
38. If He Cheats On You Once, He’ll Do It Again
Not always true. This is offensive to men and women alike. But, infidelity is a problem for some relationships, and it needs to be discussed. If the relationship is still valuable, stand up for yourself and see if it can be worked out.
But be careful, because if this list’s offensive assumptions are right about the asshole you’re dating, he’ll probably be really mad that you stood up for yourself.
39. You Should Let Him Open Doors For You
The description states that “it’s great that you’re all liberated and shit, but being a gentleman never goes out of style.”
Shut the fuck up. It’s good manners to open the door for people if you get to it first. Otherwise, it’s not a fucking monolith. Ladies can handle it. Don’t be so fucking condescending. It’s not stylish.
40. You Need To Be His Moral Compass
What the fuck? If you are seeing someone without his own moral compass, you are potentially in a lot of danger.
41. You Should Let Him Win Sometimes
Earlier this thing was talking about how hot it is when “chicks” beat dudes at pool. Now it’s all “let the Wookiee win.”
Make up your fucking mind, list.
42. If You Make Him Watch A Chick Flick, At Least Give Him A Blowjob Afterwards
NO. First of all, this “chick flick” nonsense is so outdated it hurts to even look at. Secondly, NO. What in the fuck no no no no no.
43. Speaking Of Threesomes… He Will NEVER Stop Trying
Were we? Speaking of threesomes? When?
This is gross. Stop saying this about men. This is fucking gross. Nothing wrong with threesomes, but this statement is so wildly false and stupid that I can’t even fucking express it properly.
44. He Needs Quiet Sometimes
"WIMMEN BE TALKIN’!!!!!" Ugh. Shut up. Why are people dating people who annoy them? Both parties in this "i need my quiet" situation owe it to themselves to re-evaluate everything.
45. You Should Compliment Him More
You have no responsibility to stroke anyone’s ego. If you have something nice to say, by all means say it…but you aren’t in charge of maintaining this idiot’s self worth.
46. You Don’t Always Have To Be Right
You do if you’re always right!!! Listen, there are objective answers to things on this planet. Whoever is right about something…..get this…IS RIGHT!!! So fuck you.
47. Make Sure You Look Just As Good When You Go Out With Him As When You Go Out With The Girls
I’m not even going to respond to this. We have already been through it.
48. He’s Not Your Dad
Ummmm….yea…..are there people who don’t know this?
Also what about the bible belt? He might be!!!
(That last part was just a joke. No offense intended, but sorry anyway.)
49. You’re Not His Mother
Actually, this one’s true. I have no complaints about this, really, other than people who treat their partners like this deserve to be alone.
50. He’s Not As Complicated As You Are
And this isn’t complicated, either! That shit is untrue, outdated, stupid, and sexist.
ALRIGHT!!! I got through them all without getting too angry. Yay.
I want to apologize for the hetero-normative, monogamy-centric themes in this post. I understand that relationships come in all shapes, sizes, lifestyles, etc. I did my best to remain gender neutral whenever possible, but, you know.
I’m also not trying to tell anyone what to do in their relationships, and I realize that most people who read this already know how full of shit all of these are….
But I kind of couldn’t resist.
it’s okay to fuck up, it’s okay to fuck up all the time because there’s time to not fuck up